slow down, you crazy child.

Gee golly witikers.

I secretly wished at this last New Years that this year would be important for me. And I would be cutting my new experience short of credit if I said they weren't...

To start this, it's pretty fair to say I have changed a lot since the beginning of the year. As most of you know, at the beginning of the year, I was still dating Matt, whom I had been seeing for the last five years. The relationship came to an abrupt halt, and I wasn't ready for it. I was heartbroken, and struggled to keep up with schoolwork and getting to know the people around me on campus. There was one assignment in Creative Photography that woke me up, and required me to dig deeper: a series of self-portraits. Normally, that would call for a dramatic eye-roll from me, but I took it as an opportunity to really challenge my irrational emotions and at the same time, put them to use. It was definitely that project alone that made me realize what making art was potential of and began my affinity for the medium. (more on this subject to come.)

Anywho. Post-break up, I finally agreed to go jam with a friend of mine's band, and I really wasn't expecting too much when I first showed up. But by the time I left, I knew there was something there and it was really exciting. The girls were super cool and we all got on really easily. So, a few months later, here I am, officially the guitarist of Suite Little Sister. It's weird, I had definitely forgotten over the years how refreshing playing music is...

...Along with its relaxed atmosphere, came a lot of perks as well. I have met a lot of really amazing people since I joined the group and already had some pretty incredible experiences I wouldn't be able to have otherwise. On the same note, it has really given a lot back to me. Over the last two months, I have really began to look at the world differently. As of recently, I've learned how to slow down and stop expecting things to happen on a certain time schedule and read situations slower. I've learned you can't expect events or things to happen so fast because they're expected. Life is meant to be a natural flow, not graphed, precised, and sectioned. That's something I definitely have struggled with in the past, and can apply to almost every aspect of my life. It's definitely past vs. present now, and I just want to continue surrounding myself around happy, energetic, and creative people to continue becoming a stronger, better person.

Speaking of which, I began dating this kid, Josh, about a month ago and it's going really well. Without being too cheesy, it's really refreshing to be with someone that not only 'gets' me, but supports me to where I feel like he inspires me to keep making work and to continue seeing the world differently.

And as of late, my anxiety has practically disappeared. I remember to the beginning of the year it was so overwhelming, it inferred with everything and I honestly was not an easy person to handle. Since the summer has begun though, I have applied this slow logic and am just trying to not spend so much time being in the past, and just looking forward for what is happening today and what will happen tomorrow. Every action is becoming more intuitive and I'm trying to easier on myself, and I can honestly say I'm really, really happy to say the least. Finally. :)

petty bourgeoisie daydreaming.

 sigh.

yes, please.

If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favour and let me know.

                                                                                                                                              Tarkovsky's Mirror


Life as a stand-still. Hmm..

I'm single now. I haven't been for almost six years. It's a weird, new feeling. Without getting too philosophical, relationships in general are weird, I've come to realize. Maybe this is just me reaching this new ground of immaturity (now that I don't have to be 100% rational all of the time for me and my partner), but relationships are straining. I don't honestly know how interested I am considering another-long term one. While the intent of this blog is not to kiss and tell about my last relationship, I am gonna spell things out for the sake of me better understanding and hopefully others too that were baffled by my status change..

I loved my guy very much and to an extent, I still do. Like I stated before, it's gonna be quite some time before I'm up to being committed to another person. I really need to get out there and breathe the air of a new place and really test myself and see what exactly I'm made up of..

About a week ago, I was called and informed that I made it into Stony Brook University in New York for the next year and that was just the kind of news I needed following such a mess of events that left me feeling despondent, lonely, and confused. Finally, I feel like events are happening (including an etching of mine making it into a show at the Hearst Center, opening this Sunday) that give me the external validation I really need to know that what I'm doing isn't a total waste. Yes, yes, yes, I know you shouldn't weigh your worth through external validation, but I don't blame myself. I've also been going out of my way to stay in the studio and work longer hours than normal so I can strength my work.

For those who know me, know I'm a pretty introverted person so going out of my way to meet people is not exactly my forte, but I have been trying to connect with others so I can actually start having intellectual conversations and feel like I'm moving forward as an artist and a human being. I honestly spent a lot of time in my relationship feeling like I was off in some how and that I didn't hold much worth, but since the split I have spent a lot of time doing things and hanging out with people who not only see my worth, but encourage me on continuing, which is mucho needed. I'm seeing now that there was nothing wrong with me. Or him. We started our relationship with amazing chemistry, and I suppose over time we both started heading our separate ways, although I was unaware of it. I guess I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, and feeling connections with another person is always desired. So I was not ready to take my head out of the clouds..


Photography. Painting is my great love, but I'm finding a lot of comfort in taking photographs lately. It is interesting to chart things out, and literally put myself at a distance that I can almost 'interview' my subjects and give myself that distance to take a step back and interpret. Really relieving. Anyway.. In my photography class right now, we've been doing a project that deals with self-portraiture. Never been a crazy big fan of self-portraits in any medium, but I was determined to make this project count, especially since now who I view myself as has changed drastically within the last year.. (I'll post pictures once I make some enlargements) 


I guess I'll close there. I apologize that this blog doesn't really structurally follow anything or make too much sense, but I just wanted to jumble a bunch of thoughts out loud for my peers to read or not read. I also wanted to thank all my family and friends that have been there for me through this crazy time. You've really put your neck out there for me and done your best to keep me determined to rise above it and make powerful work, as a result of my feelings. I now see that next year is going to be an amazing new chapter in my life and I'm both anxious and excited about it. I see life a lot differently now and in a weird (I apparently need a tally-sheet for how many times I use that word in this post ;]) way, a lot fuller as an individual. I am now 100% invested in my career as an artist and want nothing but opportunities and experiences for tomorrow and the year following this one. I know with my ambitions/amazing support system, I am capable of moving forward. So, in short, if it's really "here's to the past!" to you, then as Bogie said, "here's looking at you, kid." We will always have Paris. 

me and you (what a feeling).

These are some test strips from my first photography assignment. It was pretty much left open to whatever we wanted to photograph, just so long we tried out some different lighting scenes and  adjusted accordingly to the aperture/shutter speed. While I didn't really plan on taking anything I really invested in, I really love these photographs I took of Matt. They ended up being really intimate and truthful (hopefully I'm not coming off as pretentious this early in the game..haha) It's cool..I was thinking about how this kind of 'truthful intimacy' is used pretty frequently in art, and the way people's art is really a testament to the way they really see their lover. I thought it'd be fun to play the Name Game quick..

Pablo Picasso and Dora Maar.

Egon Schiele & Valerie (Wally) Neuzil.

Francis Bacon & George Dyer (some of my favourite paintings- oh, yes, there are lovely multiples).

Gianlorenzo Bernini & Constanza Bonarelli.

 Salvador Dalí & Gala Dalí.

Édouard Manet & Suzanne Leenhoff.

Alfred Steiglitz & Georgia O'Keeffe.

major tom to ground control..

I have a lot of things on my mind lately..just kind of a pooling of random inquisitions and fascinations..

space. it may sound cliché, i don't care, but i am so fascinated in it all. the texture and skin of each planet (the colours are getting to me), what constitutes or makes for life on each planet (is there life on all (if any) of the planets?) so good. i just want to make super chunky, thick impasto-styled paintings based on those incredible national geographic-esque photographs. jupiter (above) is most probably my favourite. there's something super mystic about those shades of blue and how i find myself constantly returning to these shades in works i get "pulled" into..i could take this one step further and bitch it out about NASA's termination of the space shuttle program and how it's so irresponsible to end our resources with what is real, natural and unknown to man so we can continue a war on drugs or more sport stadiums, but i'm not going to do that..

david bowie. i've gotten ridiculously obsessed with bowie as of late. (i've had "hunky dory" on repeat when painting more than once..) particularly the song (and early video) of "space oddity" (shocker, it involves the unknown insecurities of life/space). but seriously it's so good. that song in particular can go so much deeper than the surface level if you take the time to hear it out..(and the bass in that song blows my mind- listen to it through really good headphones and you'll see what i mean).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D67kmFzSh_o&feature=related

this is one the many paintings done by adolf hitler. i don't mean to get all pseudo-rebellious on you, but it's really amazing. i want to see more. i'm super, super interested in his connections with gustav klimt's vienna academy of art school and how he was turned away at eighteen. i recently read a brief little biography of egon schiele and it noted his connections with the school and someone brought up how hitler was just a few votes shy from the administrators to making it into the academy. if he had made it into the academy, how graciously different would  the world  (or possibly, not) be? i just think it's amazing that this kid is only eighteen and has been rejected in a painstakingly personal way and completely revamps his life into this unworldly, unthinkable way..i also like, when i was talking about this with my roommate, how impersonal his paintings are. she said there, more or less, isn't really any of hitler in the work. it's just done so black and white. here's a rendering of a landscape followed by some viennese buildings. it's rendered beautifully, no doubt, but nothing much more is really offered. i want to see more personal collections of creative thought (i.e. early journaling, sketchbooks..).

henry moore. i've grown increasingly infatuated with henry moore's sculptures, as well as sketchbooks. so, so, so good. i feel like he has such an incredible overview and narrative with figures and space in relation to themselves, which is something i am trying to work on. i'm actually starting (and continuously revising) this new painting project that is based on a lot of things, but really shines an influence from moore in it, i'm coming to realize. it's really cool when you kind of subconsciously pull these influences from art (or anything for that matter) that you study for long enough and then when you step away from it long enough you can see them clearly (like being able to 'pull' out what appears to be obvious shades of green in pthalo blue that others might not see..)

anyways. that's the jist of what's going on right now. i will keep you all posted on my painting project which i am going to get started on again in the morning. :)

percieve it already, damnit..

..is what I've been saying to myself a lot lately. As some of you know I'm really working very hard this semester to try to get at least five really solid pieces so I can apply for the BFA program at the end of the spring semester (assuming I get another five to six pieces done at the end of that semester). It's a very significant goal for me and if you ask any of my friends in class, it's close to the only thing I obsess about, let alone talk about. There's a lot of perks about being in the program (i.e. an independent studio space, a higher degree, being highly skilled in your emphasis area, extra attention from the prof's...) but I guess what I am most drawn to it is the agreement within myself that this is what I'm doing for the rest of my life, and there really is no turning back (unless I suddenly become motivated by the idea of another five years back at school, despite all drawbacks and complications).

I really saw a drastic change take place in my working habits this semester. I'm currently taking Printmaking (Etching) and Sculpture 1, both of which I did not take in high school, thus had no real idea what I was getting myself into. Both classes have really taught me a lot about form and existing characters in space, both very essential lessons to learn. Beyond the 'formal stuff', I have also discovered, or at least 'gotten a taste' for, my style. What drives me. How I'm wired. I've found this unconscious decision being executed through my works. I've come to realize (not just in my own works, but reexamining classical art or even literature) I am very moved and emotionally connected to these kind of profound senses of raw reaction and feeling. It's like that scene in (god forbid I mention it again..) American Beauty when the character Ricky Fitts mentions in passing a homeless woman freeze to death on the sidewalk and how it was  "amazing. When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, for a second. And if you’re careful you can look right back." That is pretty as close to it as it gets, I'm afraid. These (perhaps not always drastically upsetting) dramatic events that maybe not be comfortable, but there's this undeniable sense of raw beauty there. In..credible.

Anyway. Here are some images of the pieces I have made thus far in my two classes this semester. Next semester I am registered to take Creative Photography and Painting 1, which I am thrilled about and cannot wait to start them already.

Etching:

 stage 1.

 stage two.

stage three, final.

collective, together.

 'Now', plate 1.

'Now', plate 2.

'Now'.

'the Delivery'.




Sculpture:

 The combination of a container and unrelated object: electric lamppost and wedding veil.

 

driftwood carving  

 

Plaster sculpture of an slightly-fictionalized Angler fish.

Installation: 'Remnants'. Now in the KAB In-Use gallery.

Moon river, wider than a mile..

..i'm crossing you in style someday.


For some of you that don't know, I'm going to be partaking in UNI's National Student Exchange next year. I have selected a few schools I'm really interested in attending, and unsurprisingly, they're all in New York. (Queens, Saratoga Springs, and Stony Brook, to be exact). Perhaps my mind is a little bias about where to travel next, but I am just dying to get a taste of the Big Apple. Even if it is 3 1/2 hours drive. I wanted to compose this intro for some people who weren't aware of my traveling plans and more-or-less gush about ten things, not in order, that I'm jumpy or that dreams could only suffice to.


1.
 

Woody Allen. Gah. I am a total fool for his films. He has the most remarkable high-brow, intellectual sense of humour that if you the listener are tuned-into enough to catch, you too will see what I mean. He also has this beautiful dedication to his city, almost like a romantic life partner. The way he way he romanticized the city he loved (particularly in the opening of Manhattan) is breathtaking. And Annie Hall, I could go on for years about..


2.



New York Public Library. I am already a sucker for being in a library for what feels like a year at a time and I go numb thinking about spending an entire afternoon-turned-weekend sitting between the hundreds of book shelves and taking in that calming, historical, nostalgic smell of those library books that have sat on those shelves for the number of years they have.


3.



 

Seinfeld. This could probably pass as that one television show I could watch reruns forever of, lounging on my tethered blue sofa, eating chinese take-out from the deli (or from the Soup Man restaurant)  down three blocks in my Nike shoes and sweatclothes (I don't wear any of that, really.) Just on days when it's grey, and I can't leave my apartment. I need to stay in (which is more-or-less often). I crave that alone time..


4.

Truman Capote. I seem to have this notion I should try to read as many of his novels/novellas in the shortest time I can. Eat it all up. I cannot get enough his objective writing of people. He has such a sensitivity to defining a person by their actions and reactions. I just finished Breakfast at Tiffany's last week and it was delicious. I don't mean that in a gawdy sense but it was truly a treat. I'm currently reading now In Cold Blood , which is arguably his most famous work and I am starting to see why. I highly recommend his work..


5.

Audrey Hepburn. I can now see why everyone is so taken with her. She has this divine energy about her that is so contagious. Not only is she a stunning beauty with this overwhelming sense of genuiness, she really lights up the screen when she is in film. One of my biggest guilty pleasures (as cliche as it may sound) is settling down on a Sunday morning and watching an Audrey Hepburn movie with my mother with hot tea. It's a timeless pleasure and it is spent so well.


6.


Alfred Stieglitz. I just recently purchased his book of New York photographs and they're gorgeous. They are subdivided into two categories, one being new New York and the other being the beginning of the old New York. They're shot in black and white (of course) and while colour photography was not up to date at that point, I couldn't imagine the shots being immersed into colour. The black and the white are so fundamental to portraying the heaviness to the slightest sway in these photographs. This book really helped me sort through my thoughts on when colour/black and white photography is most appropriate. I highly recommend to anyone..

7.


Museum of Modern Art. I don't think there's too much I have to explain here. But being able to immerse myself with the heroes from my Survey of Art History books would just be beautiful and could not come any sooner. If I could have it my way, I would pick up a daily shift at the museum as an archive filer by day and by night run home to pull out all my paints and make work until classes started the next day. :)

8.

Grand Central Station. I just love this combination. Griffin Dunne, whom is the lead from Martin Scorsese's film After Hours, which is also a delightful New York-inspired film (that I highly recommend) and one of the most romantic spots in the city. Maybe that is an overstatement, but I have heard stories about the archway he describes, and to me, it feels like one of those really subtle, really personal and intimate connections that two people share privately while being in one of the busiest spots in the city, sharing it with the other eight and a half million people who use it for travel. I guess I'm romanticizing the idea of using the corners of a room, which is already symbolically a quiet space as a way of communication and while being twenty/thirty feet apart still only hearing your partners voice over everybody else's in the station.

9.


Housing Works Bookstore Cafe. Maybe it is that inner pseudo-intellectual-wannabe in me but this is all I want to do on the weekends. I'll probably end up paying half their monthly rent, but that'll be alright. We talked about cognitive development in my psychology class and apparently I am in my peak of cognitive development since I am in my early twenties, so I think that will give me more reason spoil myself with some more Kierkegaard and Kafka.

10.