Life as a stand-still. Hmm..
I'm single now. I haven't been for almost six years. It's a weird, new feeling. Without getting too philosophical, relationships in general are weird, I've come to realize. Maybe this is just me reaching this new ground of immaturity (now that I don't have to be 100% rational all of the time for me and my partner), but relationships are straining. I don't honestly know how interested I am considering another-long term one. While the intent of this blog is not to kiss and tell about my last relationship, I am gonna spell things out for the sake of me better understanding and hopefully others too that were baffled by my status change..
I loved my guy very much and to an extent, I still do. Like I stated before, it's gonna be quite some time before I'm up to being committed to another person. I really need to get out there and breathe the air of a new place and really test myself and see what exactly I'm made up of..
About a week ago, I was called and informed that I made it into Stony Brook University in New York for the next year and that was just the kind of news I needed following such a mess of events that left me feeling despondent, lonely, and confused. Finally, I feel like events are happening (including an etching of mine making it into a show at the Hearst Center, opening this Sunday) that give me the external validation I really need to know that what I'm doing isn't a total waste. Yes, yes, yes, I know you shouldn't weigh your worth through external validation, but I don't blame myself. I've also been going out of my way to stay in the studio and work longer hours than normal so I can strength my work.
For those who know me, know I'm a pretty introverted person so going out of my way to meet people is not exactly my forte, but I have been trying to connect with others so I can actually start having intellectual conversations and feel like I'm moving forward as an artist and a human being. I honestly spent a lot of time in my relationship feeling like I was off in some how and that I didn't hold much worth, but since the split I have spent a lot of time doing things and hanging out with people who not only see my worth, but encourage me on continuing, which is mucho needed. I'm seeing now that there was nothing wrong with me. Or him. We started our relationship with amazing chemistry, and I suppose over time we both started heading our separate ways, although I was unaware of it. I guess I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, and feeling connections with another person is always desired. So I was not ready to take my head out of the clouds..
Photography. Painting is my great love, but I'm finding a lot of comfort in taking photographs lately. It is interesting to chart things out, and literally put myself at a distance that I can almost 'interview' my subjects and give myself that distance to take a step back and interpret. Really relieving. Anyway.. In my photography class right now, we've been doing a project that deals with self-portraiture. Never been a crazy big fan of self-portraits in any medium, but I was determined to make this project count, especially since now who I view myself as has changed drastically within the last year.. (I'll post pictures once I make some enlargements)
I guess I'll close there. I apologize that this blog doesn't really structurally follow anything or make too much sense, but I just wanted to jumble a bunch of thoughts out loud for my peers to read or not read. I also wanted to thank all my family and friends that have been there for me through this crazy time. You've really put your neck out there for me and done your best to keep me determined to rise above it and make powerful work, as a result of my feelings. I now see that next year is going to be an amazing new chapter in my life and I'm both anxious and excited about it. I see life a lot differently now and in a weird (I apparently need a tally-sheet for how many times I use that word in this post ;]) way, a lot fuller as an individual. I am now 100% invested in my career as an artist and want nothing but opportunities and experiences for tomorrow and the year following this one. I know with my ambitions/amazing support system, I am capable of moving forward. So, in short, if it's really "here's to the past!" to you, then as Bogie said, "here's looking at you, kid." We will always have Paris.
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